How to look good naked?!

Right, I’m diverging from training musings today… Is it me or do you not find the whole positive reinforcement shtick of being bigger than a size 6 by fashion pundits really offensive? Now, shtick with me here (see what I did there?), because it’s really bothering me. I decided to brave Westfields the other day to see if I could find a pair of jeans which don’t totally change shape after 15 minutes of wear, (yes, jeans again, I’m obsessed with them, I know… and no, I’m not back in the Fall ’05 jeans again… yet). I walk into well-known, high street retailers and haven’t mooched for more than about 90 seconds before over the p.a. systems comes “Hi Gorgeous! I’m Gok Wan and I’d like to tell you…. Blah, blah, blah.” Hi Gorgeous? How do you know? And who bloody asked you anyway? Never mind the fact that I might look like Shrek’s less attractive sister! Never mind the fact that our Mr Wan is already on my T.V. every 5 seconds, but can I not even go for a bit of shopping without being aurally accosted by this man? How to Look Good Naked, Miss Naked UK… what is this man’s obsession with naked women, he’s gay for God’s sake! Even in his presenter spot at the Brit Awards, he couldn’t help himself asking if the audience thought they looked good naked. If it was a hot, young, STRAIGHT guy or, for that matter, a woman, telling me how gorgeous I am, even though I can barely lift myself off the sofa without having a stroke, I’d feel patronized, but bloody hell! Who is this guy and what’s he doing in my shopping meditation? Don’t get me wrong, God knows I do love a poof, but who took it upon themselves to make Gok the gay best friend the nation never had? Sorry, but Alan Carr has his feet firmly in those shoes and I know who’d I’d rather spend an evening with. So what if he used to be fat, so what if he was bullied at school for being different (yes I saw the program he made and yes, I think it’s great he’s helping young people overcome prejudice); he triumphed over fashion adversity, great! But why has he taken it upon himself to encourage people to get their kit off on my T.V?

Actually, perhaps I am being a little harsh; our Gok is just the most recent incarnation of all those T.V. makeover shows, which began, in the mid- ‘90’s, (don’t even get me started about Gillian McKeith or Trannie and Spanner). I understand that people have hang-ups about their bodies and for some people it causes real distress, but don’t you think we have all become a little too obsessed with the whole self-empowerment industry? I use this word, because that is what it’s become, an industry, let’s not be naive. Honestly, I might be a little hard on myself at times, but how is displaying my Dougal in the window of Debenhams going to help me exactly? There is such a thing as T.M.I. (too much information) dude! Without wanting to sound like Mary Whitehouse, it’s just so un-British apart from anything. I actively encourage the celebration of women with a lil’ bit more pushin’ in their cushion; goodness knows it’s been a long time coming! However, the idea that having the balls to get naked on national television somehow adds self-value is frankly, insulting. Did all those women who threw themselves under race horses, burned their bras and campaigned for women’s rights, do so in order to allow me to “get my tits out”, and show the world my “great arse”? I don’t think so, girlfriend! Isn’t it all just misogyny dressed up, “bang on trend” I might add, in sheep’s clothing? Why don’t we have a MR Naked UK, eh? Now, THAT I would watch.

Here’s a tip for how to look good naked, inside and out… switch off the T.V. (ok, you can watch Newsnight; you can’t go wrong with a bit of Paxo), step away from the Ginsters, borrow some Noam Chomsky from the library and get down the gym.

Here endeth the rant… Happy Self-Empowering amigos!

Playlist of the Week
“Give It To Me Baby ” – Rick James
“Tits on the Radio” – Scissor Sisters
“Fat Bottom Girls” – Queen